unloading

for the first time in a very long time, i'm writing in order to just relax myself. right now my life is in a bit of a mess. i'm trying to figure out what to do and whether there is a right way of doing it. i haven't felt like this in a very long time. the last time was when i first moved over here in order to 'start a new'. 3 years have passed and again, i am feeling the same again. this instability scares me a lot and sometimes brick walls are all that's facing me.

i am feeling afraid, and unsure of myself. it is a very unusual feeling. it has nothing to do with my love life as things are going well that way. this covers a bigger part of my life than love (i didn't know there was one before). i am feeling negative. i am feeling alone. and i am feeling tired. i know there are people out there who care, but somehow or other at the end of the day, there are people i wish i could ask for help from, or talk to, but can't.

i miss my brother a lot. i hate not talking but i do acknowledge that he has his own life and he is growing in his own way and probably right now he doesn't need a sister to bother him for time or company. i will give him all the time that he wants, hoping that he will come to me one day.

i miss my parents, and the feeling of not having to bother about taking care of myself because they are there to do it for me. i miss having food on the table, and i realize how horrible it must have been for my mother to cook some dish i loved, but not having me home to appreciate it. i miss just sitting down with my father having silly talks and laughter.

i miss feeling amazing about life. i wish i had that positivity in me now. i think back about the times when i used to talk to friends when they were down, trying to make them feel better about themselves, and laugh in irony because i myself am unable to use those words.

i need a stranger to voice all these things out, someone who will not pity. i need to be alone, to ponder and work things out. i need to be able to think rationally and weigh everything to know which path to take. i guess change is something we all fear, but will happen anyway.

there are no answers, are there?

would you choose freedom over love? rather, what is love without freedom? being free to do what you feel like, is that contradictory to being in love? did anyone mention monogamy when they talked about love? was it something understood, like a base of the argument set even before it could be debated? does it have anything to do with the times? does love change, or the idea of it, does it take a different form with the 'development' of other aspects in the society we live in?

fated love

"The ancient Sanskrit legends speak of a destined love, a karmic connection between souls that are fated to meet and collide and enrapture one another. The legends say that the loved one is instantly recognized because she's loved in every gesture, every expression of thought, every movement, every sound, and every mood that prays in her eyes. The legends say that we know her by her wings -- the wings that only we can see -- and because wanting her kills every other desire of love. Such fated love may, sometimes be the possession and obsession of one, and only one, of the two souls twinned by destiny. But wisdom, in one sense, is the opposite of love. love survives in us precisely because it isn't wise."

excerpt taken from Shantaram

uh

ok so i overreacted.

haha.

the desperate girlfriend

i don't like where this is going.
it has come to a point where i am waiting for him to call.
a point where i am leaving him voicemails.

this is baaaaaddd.

and it will not be like this any longer.
i'm going out tonight, not hanging around skype waiting for him to come online.

i told myself, NOT to let it come this far.
i told myself, to let HIM wait, not me.

fuck fuck fuck.

i am tempted to call one of those male back ups just to get back at him, although i know that is unfair. i need to give him a chance to explain first. so he has till tonight, 2359. after that, i'm out sarging.

storming men

sometimes there are dry spells, where you spend nights alone. at home. watching the ellen show.

and then...

there are also times, when the men come, and are in all corners. suddenly you are juggling your arrangements and find the need to jot down appointments because you've double booked by mistake a few times.

i'm concentrating on one now. and i'm slowly hinting to the others that "hey, you had your chance, but you failed. so ta-ra..."

one thing i noticed about being single is that people are generally nicer to you. the ways they use to attempt bedding you are actually quite entertaining when you realize what is happening. and discussing these with your girlfriends are even more entertaining. to find out what some guys are doing out there to get attention, read this book called The Game, by Neil Strauss aka Style. if you want the e-book, let me know and i'll email it to you.

happy friday, everyone. it is a good day to be alive!

sugar

somehow i'm starting to think that i was wrong about him.
he isn't playing around with me.
he is serious when he talks about being together.
he really means it when he says he'll be there.

ah. what do i do?

do I fall all over again, or do I wait until... until I know what it is I am waiting for?

"life is the color you choose. WE choose a rainbow."

I hope he's not partially like Ben.
sometimes I see similarities and it scares me.
mistakes are not to be made twice.
once almost killed me,
if it happens again I don't think life will be as forgiving.

So come on baby get those shoes on
And we can run away from here
Talk about a life we're starting
We can start it all right here

yeah so I guess what i'm saying here is that i'm giving it a try.
we'll see what happens.
whether I will laugh or cry.
--- all I know is that no matter what, it was and is my own choice.